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The Sweet Truth for my Sweet Tooth and a Toast to Neil Sedaka

Happy Tuesday Love Bunnies!

I say bunnies today because it’s Tuesday and tomorrow is Wednesday. Wednesday is hop-day or hump-day, either way…bunnies love to do both. So, there you have it. :)

So, I was down another three pounds last week. That is six pounds in two weeks. I’m good with it. I will tell you that in my younger days, six pounds was a first weeks loss on a new diet. I’m in no big hurry this time. This round, there is somewhat of a slow burn and less of crazy frantic urge to get the weight off. I’m taking my time and acclimating myself to the feeling and the experience of becoming healthy. It’s an odd way of being, and it’s alright with me.

Let me give you the big news before I go any farther. We officially broke up with Weight Watchers last week.

I hated that I had to use their 800 number. Breaking up on their dime seemed cruel. I suppose it was better than a text.

It was hard, and it required a great deal of talking with the ww rep. However, we assured her that it wasn’t her, and we felt it was time to move on. Time to rethink our way of doing this that didn’t include fear, judgement, rules or forty dollars a month. We needed to find ourselves. We needed some space. We needed to just be friends. WW will always have a place in my weight loss heart, but there is no room for them in my weight loss plan anymore. We have grown apart and it was time to face it. Sigh…

We were scared afterward. We wigged out a little. But we got over it fast when we did the math and realized that we are SO going to be able to eat organic by ditching the WW. Eating in healthy ways is really expensive. Sondra and I often talk about how this country has the highest obesity rate and health care has gotten so expensive that not everyone can afford it. Eating healthy foods has gotten so expensive that not everyone can afford it. So, we are left with people who are in poverty that are forced to eat crap food because it is cheap. That puts them in poor health and they can’t afford to get treatment. Also, many people who are in poverty can’t afford a place to be able to plant anything, so they can’t grow their own produce. It is insane. Really. Off the soap box, sorry.

Anyway, I had a big dilemma this last week. It was in a happy dilemma form, so it wasn’t all pearl clutching and hand wringing or anything. It was a wedding. A happy, I get to wear a dress kind of wedding. The dilemma was this: I had to make two cakes for the reception. I love to make cakes. I love the whole process. Cakes are like pretty girls in frilly dresses.

I made a white cake with peanut cream and white icing and a hummingbird cake with a cream cheese custard filling and browned butter buttercream icing. Yes…that’s right. Susan is on a diet and making cakes. Doesn’t really mesh well, does it? Lol…no it sure don’t!

I licked beaters. I licked bowls. I tasted. My eyes rolled back in my head several dozen times. Mother can make some food, y’all.

I know when I step on the scale tomorrow it will all show. I can’t care. I can only get back down to it this week and move on. I am not off the diet. I am not on a diet. I am in love with me. I am loving me through this mess. I am not sorry I ate the cake. I am not sorry I licked the beaters. I just know that I am not going to do it again for a while. I am making better decisions for me.

So all this sugar eating got me to thinking about my powerful sweet tooth. I decided awhile back to stop with the artificial sweeteners. I am trying hard to give up processed foods. Chemicals are not cool. I needed to find an alternative. I understand that white sugar is just as bad as sweeteners in terms of being processed. So I switched to natural sugar. It wasn’t doing me any favors either. So I switched to Stevia.

NOW….here is what I want to tell you all.


Stevia has gotten so much hype and has grown so much in popularity that you don’t have to visit your local health food store any longer. Most grocery stores now carry some kind or brand of Stevia. But before you just grab up a package, make sure you check the ingredient listed on the packate. Many brands have added ingredients that are harmful. Today I’m focusing on the white powder form, usually found in little packets. That’s what I use to sweeten my tea.

Ok, stevia is not technically a sweetener, it’s an herb that just happens to be sweet. And since Stevia is not a sugar it does not affect blood sugar levels, in fact it is proven to regulate blood sugar and is also known to help lower blood pressure. I know, why didn’t we know about this before?!

 Choose This:

SweetLeaf is the only chemical-free, zero-calorie, zero-carb, zero-glycemic index, 100% natural sweetener there is. It’s made by taking the highest quality leaves of the Stevia plant and extracting their naturally sweet taste with only cool, purified water. No chemicals. No alcohols. No additives that cover up the great taste nature created. It has been said that Stevia may help individuals improve insulin production (great for diabetes sufferers) and can help with hypertension (high blood pressure).

Do not choose this:

Stevia in the Raw – has Dextrose and Maltodextrin listed in the ingredients. There are other bad choices on the market, including Whole Food’s 365 brand ( WTF?? I KNOW!) so make sure you check the ingredients before purchasing.

Why do these companies ruin such a good thing? Here is their explanation, of why Stevia in the Raw is using these ingredients. (

What is dextrose and why is it added to Stevia Extract In The Raw?

Dextrose is a natural carbohydrate derived from corn. Many sugar substitutes in powder form contain dextrose because it is a natural ingredient and does not change the flavor of the sweetener in the blend. In our packet product, dextrose is used to dilute the very potent Rebiana extract to make it measurable for consumers; it does not alter the naturally sweet flavor of the Stevia.

What is maltodextrin and why is it added to Stevia Extract In The Raw Cup For Cup?

Maltodextrin, like dextrose is a natural carbohydrate derived from corn. Many “cup for cup” sugar substitutes in powder form contain maltodextrin because it is a natural ingredient that does not change the flavor of the sweetener in the blend. In our cup for cup product, maltodextrin is used to dilute the very potent Rebiana extract to make it measurable for consumers in cup for cup sweetening equivalency as a sugar replacement; it does not alter the naturally sweet flavor of the Stevia.

The truth is that both of these ingredients are harmful for us. I could write a whole blog post on just this topic, but for now I’ll just give you the skinny version.

Dextrose – Dextrose is simply a form of glucose. Some food packagers like to use “dextrose” on their packaging instead of “glucose” because consumers have negative associations with glucose. Dextrose is derived from starchy food ingredients like rice, wheat, or potatoes but it is usually GMO (Gentically Modified Organism) Corn.

Maltodextrin – It is produced from rice, potato or corn starch. It is known to contain MSG and it doesn’t need to state that on the ingredient label. It is also known to affect blood sugar levels and cause tooth decay.

I also do not recommend Truvia because it is a blend of Stevia, erythritol and natural flavors. Erythritol is classified as a sugar alcohol. Sugar alcohols are sugar substitutes that are either extracted from plants or manufactured from starches. Sugar alcohols are not completely absorbed into your body and therefore can cause gas and bloating.

Hello, this is why we get gassy when we eat sugar free candy.

The process in which manufacturers make erythritol is usually by fermenting sugar inGMO corn. Nothing processed like this is good. Remember we are trying to get rid of the processed crap. Now they are dressing it up like the good guy and hoping that we are not smart enough to understand what they are doing.

So, my view on this is why consume something that will effect our bodies in a negative way when we can simply choose to enjoy the benefits that Stevia has to offer? Remember, it’s all natural, and should be closest to nature as possible. You CAN grow your own stevia and harvest your own leaves. If you don’t have time to do all that….please take an extra couple of minutes to read the box. Stevia that is as pure as it can be is the one you want. You don’t have to eat chemicals. Well….you don’t have to eat as many. :)

Time to open our eyes and live, y’all. Know yourself, fix what is broken if you can. Love yourself through all of it…and make better choices for yourself. It’s all about the love, and that love has to start with self love.

Smooch Out…and don’t eat anyone’s crap today :)



Big Butts and Big Buts and Getting Down to the What Started them all.

Ok…so let me get this party started by saying that I lost 3 pounds last week.

Everyone clap and give me a tiara, please. 🙂

So, I did lose three pounds this last week, but man did I gain a great deal of insight.

I decided a few weeks ago that I was going to tackle this weight loss thing ( this time around) from an entirely different perspective. I am not doing it alone. I have Sondra that is doing the food portion of it with me, and I have a couple of readers from work who are doing it from a different perspective with me. We decided to take a crack at this from a more energetic or spiritual direction.

The first couple of weeks were terrific. I was feeling the love from myself and it was grand. I got shut down a couple times from outside sources, but I had a method of loving me and it was unfaltering. I was digging it.

After about a month, I noticed that I was beginning to get more emotional about the whole thing.

I let Sondra weigh me one morning and then commenced to have, what we call here in the south, “a come apart”.

It surprised me

So, of course had to look at the all of the why’s and wherefore’s of it until I wrapped my head and my love around it enought to move on.  I tried to move on…but there seemed to be a string showing on the hem of that situation. We can’t have that.

I did what I didn’t really want to do…I pulled on the string. Holy Crap….I began unraveling, bit by bit scars from the past. Scars from the deep past, and the not so deep past. I started writing them down. I had more come aparts, a bunch more.

I had a few yesterday. Big Ones. Realizations of the effects of situations in my past that I make jokes about. Even though I had laughed them off,  I was really bothered by them. I was damaged from them. I am doing my best to put love toward those situations  to heal everyone involved, but mostly me. I understand people better now at 47. I can wrap my head around situations and the dynamics of them.  I am able to remove myself from the situation and look at all of history and the back stories to all involved. I know I need to love and forgive us all. I am moving toward that, as difficult as it is. It is difficult. Removing the damage from anything is never easy. But when what got damaged is valuable, it doesn’t matter how hard it is to make it right again. It’s worth it.

The other day at Walmart, I had an epiphany. I always have epiphanies in WalMart. I don’t know why. It happens enough that we’ve started to call them Rollback Realizations or Low Rent Enlightenments. I can’t tell you all about this particular epiphany, mostly because it involves me doing something over the top embarrassing, but I will share the enlightenment part.


Really, Walmart is inspirational. When it comes to loving yourself….Don’t Stop Til You Get Enough.

I know, sorry. I just love this guy! He knows who is he is. He has the paperwork the back it up. HE DIGS IT! I do to.

Ok…the epiphany:

You have to know, love and respect yourself. It  is irrelevant what anyone else has said to you or done to you or told you who or what you are! What YOU do to you and what YOU say to you is what is the most important thing of all. Are you respecting yourself in what you are doing on a daily basis? Are you seeing that YOUR needs are being met? Do you believe that you are worth seeing that all of your needs are met? Worth it. WORTH. THAT is where the buts start.

I know I need work out, BUT my partner/husband/wife/kids needed me to do something else. ( secret interpretation – my family is worth more than me)

I know I need to take time out to relax, BUT there isn’t time with the kids/dogs/work ( secret interpretation- I am not worthy of looking and feeling better)

I know I need to take care of my skin BUT I’m so tired at night. ( same as above)

I eat even when I am not hungry, but I can always eat. (secret interpretation: I am filling a void. I am filling a hole that is in me. I am holding a place for someone by setting this food down. Look at the size of my butt.)

OMG Becky, Look at the size of her BUTT!


Make the time. Make the time. Make the time.

By making time for you, you will be happier, sexier and way the hell less tired than if you didn’t.

By making time for you, you will become to understand that you really are worth it. You begin to believe that all of those things that happened to you to make you feel like you weren’t worth it…well they were just dead wrong.

So now you can say….I know what I need and I take care of those needs because I am worth it, and my family deserves a woman who is whole and happy to love them in the big way that I do.

When I had this particular roll back revelation, I felt like I had actually rolled a boulder in my head. Under the boulder were, of course, a bunch of creepy crawly things and one small crumpled girl. I went to her and I told her that I loved her and I would take care of her if she could forgive me. She is quiet. I promised her that we would do something fun for five minutes a day. I promised that we would do it for two weeks. At the end of the two weeks, if we kept our promise we could have new sneakers. We hula hooped. We worked in the yard. We started a new floor in our bathroom. In two weeks, we got new shoes.  No more buts…..only ands. I know I need to move today and I just did. Bam! I am so tired and I am gonna sleep like a happy rock in my smelling good moisturizer! Bam!

Having fat is a symptom. Low self worth is a symptom. Your lovely spirit is the medicine. Find the cause of the symptoms and heal them with your love.

It is hard work. It is important work. Because you and I are both worth it. Start small if you need to. Five minutes here. Five minutes there. Fill them up with self care. Fill them up with self love…you are worth it. Start with something small…like lotion or something like that…or five minutes of quiet time. While you are in that time tell yourself that you are doing it because YOU LOVE YOU. All parts of your soul will hear this. Let it soak in. Let it sink in.

Then get ready for the revelations of your own to come to you. They are difficult, but you can love your self to healthy. It isn’t easy, but nothing that is worth it ever is easy. You have to start by believing that you are worth it.  Love yourself through it.

I’m gonna love you through it, that is fo sheezy!

Now I am going to get off of my soapbox AND make a little light lunch. Bam!

Smooch Out Angels 🙂

Refuse the Refuse!

Posted on

Just say no to the trash!

So, it has taken me a few days to write this blog. Mostly because I was angry, and by angry I mean hurt, rejected and swindled by a company that I trusted with a very sensitive part of my psyche.

Last week, Sondra and I finally took a deep breath and walked back into our local Weight Watchers store. I will tell you right now, that those people have made some big money off of us. We have been happy with the program and moderately happy with the support. I say moderately because the support has been a little sketchy. The people who work at this store are a little judgemental and uppity. Really, in my humble opinion, those are two characteristics that I feel should NEVER be allowed to work in an establishment who serves people with self esteem issues. Nevertheless, the place is full of them. 

ANYWAY….let me get back to the story. In the past, the older lady that used to weigh us would practically chastise us for not having the W.W. fee taken prepaid online. We chose to pay at the desk, just in case we needed to miss a week or if we decided that we didn’t want to go back and then have a hassle cancelling the subscription. 

So this time, we did the online thing just to be in compliance. When we got to the store, there was a new little woman. She looked at us like she might be a little afraid of us. Then she asked, ” What do you girls need?” 

Really? I mean she must have seen the size of my behind, right? I think it is fairly obvious what I needed. I didn’t say that…I just told her our story. She proceeded to tell us in a disgusted tone, that we needed to re-join there at the store and we didn’t have the privilege of visiting the store from paying online. I told her I was confused, because we were told to pay online last year. She then pointed us to read a sign and took care of the two other women in the store and ignored us. Sondra asked me what I wanted to do. I said, “I want to leave. I am through with Weight Watchers”.

Heavy people have heavy luggage.

When they ask you for help and you are rude or mean or condescending, you add more luggage to the pile they are already carrying. You pick a scab on very deep wound. You threaten to send that person back to a place of comfort that is probably not the healthiest place for them to go. 

You didn’t do your job.

You hurt. You didn’t help.

The tough girl inside me that protects the extra sensitive girl inside me is giving the big giant finger to Weight Watchers and two to that little woman. 

The rational girl inside me is screaming that Weight Watchers is the only program that has ever worked for me. She also knows that we already know the program. She is throwing away the bullshit that the little over- pretentious scale warden dealt out.

While I was in that part of my head, I started throwing out some other garbage as well. For instance the word “FAT”. I always felt that by saying that word in association with myself I was owning that I was fat. The first part to fixing anything is to acknowledge it. Right? That was what I believed.  BUT….I am wrong in that thinking. I am not fat

. I HAVE FAT…and I have plenty of it.

I am Susan. I am fabulous. I am moody. I am creative. I am intuitive. I am female. I am funny. I am smart. I am loving.



Fat does NOT define who I am.

Fat does not define who I am.

It’s time to rewind those tapes and do a little editing.

When I was thirteen my mother took me to weekly diet meetings in the basement of our church. The plan was called the “Conway Diet Plan”. I was almost a teenager sitting on a cold metal chair in the middle of about 40 middle aged women who were trying to shed some weight. I felt like a failure. I felt fat. I felt uncool. I hid it from my friends. I weighed 127 at the first meeting. I weighed 117 when the summer was over. Two pounds away from my goal. Failure again.  I remember when my mother expressed her concern over my bucking the diet system, the leader told her that when I was ready to lose it, I would. It was up to me. Failure. 

Did mom know that she was doing this? No. I am sure it was not her intention to screw me up. She was doing what she thought was the best thing. I can’t fault her for that. BUT…I can rewind that tape and give the whole situation the big fat finger and send it down the road like a driver that has just cut me off. Here’s to you and disconnect!  I refuse that trash.

Other people’s paradigm’s pushed on to me are NOT okay.  That is trash!

Pushing MY paradigm on other’s is NOT okay! That is trash!

Developing my own belief system based on love for me and everyone else…but especially me…is what is okay. It’s what is great. It is what will help me the most and see to my best life. I have looked at myself in the mirror and told my eyes that I loved me for over a month now. It’s working. It’s better. I think the Universe put that snotty little woman in the Weight Watchers for a reason. The reason was to let me know that I am the one with the power here. No crutches. No more putting myself on display for someone to make a buck. No more accepting judgement from people who have no right to judge me. I can do this losing weight thing, as frightening as it may be, I can do it. I need to be fearless in it. 

I am not fat. I have fat. I am not defined by what I have. I am defined by the ways in which I am. 

I am fearless in the loving of me.( I may have to say that to my eyes a few times.)

whew..I think I feel better. I want you to feel better too. I urge you to dig around a little in the storage closet of your mind and dig out some of those old tapes. Or hell…some of the more recent ones. Fix the stuff you want to fix, for you own good. 

Whew, now let’s grab our hula hoop’s and have a real good time!! I’m getting my new one this week and I am STOKED! I will so let you know how it goes!

Smooch Out! loveloveloveloveloveloveu

Summertime Tips for the Ample Lass with lots of Sass

Girl FRIENDS!! Summer is nearly upon us! I don’t know about you, but I am jumping up and down about it! ( on the inside, don’t you know)

So…I thought it might be smart for us to go over some of the wonderful things that I have learned in my 47 years of being a girly girl. I know that might seem to be a mighty long time for a LAAYDEE to be calling herself a girl, but I don’t give a crap. I only call myself a “WOMAN”  during very serious moments. Most days I am just an old girl, sparkling like I did when I was 5. I am happier that way, and that is an important part of daily life…keeping Suzy happy.

SO…I feel like we need to start this party off with some good things, some helpful things…some easy things.  Let’s hit the list, shall we?

NOW, I feel like I should run a small disclaimer here and say that this is my blog and my opinion. Take what sounds good to you and throw out the rest. If you don’t agree with something that I say, that is fine. I love that you are strong in your girly-ness. I just ask you not to throw the baby out with the bath water. Seven Summer Tips for Hot Things with Hips.  Here we go:

1. Tan fat is more attractive than white fat. I do realize that fat is fat. However, when you are walking around the shopping establishment of your choice…take a look around at the bare arms that you see.  You might agree that a brown ham is less noticeable than a pink ham sticking out of the armhole of that cute little dress. Don’t want to go tanning? I don’t blame you. I spent the first 40 years of my life in Snow White mode. I have had many relationships with many sunless tanners in my streaked and checkered past. There is one. ONE…that actually works and transcends the rest. It is called very simply “SUN”. I found it when I was in Arizona. It’s the best ever.sunYou can get it on Amazon. No Streaking…and NO ORANGE. Nothing like being fat, short and orange all at the same time. Willie Wonka won’t even hire that!

You say you DO like to tan? Well, let me give you at tip here too. Pauly D’s products all have a deodorizer in them. That’s great if you are a heavy glistener ( that’s girl for sweat) If you buy Pauly D’s stuff at the tanning place, they are expensive. You can get them on Amazon for a third of the price. Be frugal in your tan smelling goodness.  My favorite is “Sexy Swagger”. haha…I know.

2. LOTION!! Cetaphyll. It is awesome moisturizer and it doesn’t fight with you favorite cologne. Nothing like paying 80 bucks for a bottle of  Chanel and have your five dollar lotion get all alpha on it. Take care of your skin, especially if you are sunning it. It’s also a good thing for you to get back in touch with your body. Notice changes, feel those curves…aren’t you soft? Of course you are. You are a fabulous girl!

3. Nothing is as pretty as freshly painted toes. Take the time and the money to treat yourself, you goddess you. Even flip flops look precious when they are sporting pretty toes. Take care of your feet. You will feel cuter and you won’t snag a sheet. BTW: best cheap flip flops…OLD NAVY.

4. Neet over Nair if you have need of it. Shaving bumps are just ugly.

5. SOCK BUN!! Look them up on Pinterest or on You Tube. Damp Hair and a sock can make a miracle, y’all. Really.

6. Cheap sundresses rock. Here in Atlanta we have these trashy little fashion stores that sell all sizes of clothes. They are cheap, and most of them look cheap. However…I can buy maxi dresses in there that looks cute and cool and I only pay about 12 bucks for them. I always get tons of compliments. I combine them with more expensive pieces and some great jewelry. If those dresses don’t last through the summer…who cares? they were cute, they covered me and they were CHEAP! Save your money and buy some great staples that you will wear throughout the year. Look for places like Dots, Simply Fashion…be brave and creative…and THRIFTY! Don’t shy away from those beauty supply stores either. I get toe rings for a dollar, and eyelashes are SUPER cheap and last longer. These are privately owned shops…sister we are not talking about Sally’s.

7. A groovy pair of sunglasses will make you feel twenty times cooler that you really are. Go look at Nicole Richie…sister is rockin those shades like a boss. I have expensive ones for everyday and cheap ones for the beach. If you are going cheap, be sure there is polarization. You want protection while you make your statement.

So…those are my seven for 2013. Now let’s move on to the not so easy and fun stuff. I saw this while I was perusing Stumble Upon last year. I kept it, and I am going to share it with you. It’s called the 10 commandments of self esteem. It’s perfect. I will interject and comment…because it is my blog, and I love to talk. 🙂 Love you all and here it goes:


1. Thou shalt not consort with people who make thee feel bad about thyself.  Ok…I totally agree with this, and we all have these people in our lives. The premise sounds easy. BUT…what if this person is a parent or a sibling or a child? Not so easy to ” not consort”, right? Well, it is perfectly ok for you to keep loving those people, from a distance. OR….to understand that they are beating themselves up and it really isn’t anything about you. Your power in this situation is in your mind. You have a choice to absorb the things they say. If you were wearing a blue shirt and I walked up to you and said, “Ooo girl! I LOVE that pink top!” You would would look me straight in the face and say…”Susan, I am wearing a BLUE top.” You wouldn’t believe you had a pink shirt on just because I said it, right?  So, don’t believe the other crazy stuff. It’s bullshit and you know it.      KNOW IT!!                                                          

2. Thou shalt cease trying to make sense out of crazy behavior. You don’t need to understand it. You don’t need to fix it. You need to recognize the crazy and do your best not to get any on you.

3. Thou shalt not keep company with those more dysfunctional than thyself.  See #1 and #2

4. Trust thy body all the days of thy life (thy mind doth fornicate with thee). Look around. No one is really noticing that you have a sleeveless top on. Your mind is giving you the problem…YOU ARE OK.

5. Thou has permission at all times to say “NO,” to change thy mind, and to express thy true feelings.

6. What is not right for thee is also not right for thy brethren.

7. Thou shalt not give beyond thine own capacity. 

8. What thy brethren think of thee mattereth naught. So true! People tend to see what they like or dislike in themselves when they look at others. Now…if someone tells you that you have a boogie in your nose, that does matter. 🙂

9. Wherever thou art, therein also is the party. Hellz yeah. Bring your own glitter. Everyday. Keep yourself happy. Laugh your ass off. It is your life, live happy. When you do get down, look at it for a minute. Roll in it for a day. If there is something that needs to be fixed for you to get happy again…fix that thing. Choose to be happy. 

10. Thou shalt sing thine own praises all the days of thy life. Halelula!

 So, those last ten are really something to think about everyday. Love yourself, we are really very lovable. I’m loving you. You should too. Walk tall and proud, my precious sun babies. Feel the warmth of love from yourself  as the rays of the sun kiss your face. Breathe in the fresh air. Get out there be shiny, be fabulous and be healthy and like I love to say…don’t forget to shake your ass!

I know this was a long one, baby. It’s been awhile. Love me through it, won’t you?

Smooch Out!

PS… How did you like the new blog look?


Size Queen

” I KNOW I’m a queen!! It says so right here in my pantyhose!”

Ohhh LAAWD-DEE, boys and girls! I am afraid that this old butter eating girl has been hiding from blogville out of much dirty dirty shame.

Y’all know we bought a house. It is a dandy and we LOVE it. Well, during all of that packing and moving stuff, somewhere along the line…we lost sight of the Weight Watchers.

YUP…that’s right. We gotta go back…and I am gonna drag you all along with me.

We got on our little liar of a scale a couple of weeks ago and I have put on all but about 20 pounds of what I had last last year. It is a shame…a tasty, tasty shame.

So, with a heavy heart and a heavier backside….I made Sondra promise that we would go back to Weight Watchers on  Monday.

I feel a crying coming on…. 😦

On a happier note… We did get a treadmill…so I can be working it off faster than before, so I hope that helps me from getting so frustrated.

Part of me is looking forward to it…I think it’s the part that likes to do mean things like pour hot wax on my upper lip and rip out the hair by the root. She’s also the one who likes pointy toed heels.

So, here we go again, love monkey’s!!

Love me through it!

Smooch Out….and may all lay our forks down in peace 🙂

It’s Not What You’re Eating, It’s What’s Eating You…

That was the book title that I thought was going to save my life back in the early 90’s. I saw it on a television show. I don’t know which one, it might have been Oprah or The Home Show …I can’t really remember. But what I do remember is how the woman who wrote it was singing my song. My emotions were what were making me eat like crazy. I ordered the book, and if you remember back that far, it wasn’t as easy as it is today. When I got the book, I sat right down and read the whole thing….it was a glorified advertisement for the author’s counseling spa and facility. There it was in black and white…..this is your problem, but it’s going to cost you exactly one butt load of money to find out the answer. Silly girl, and you thought it was going to be as cheap as a book?

I was mad and hopeless. Hopeless to ever finding a way to beat this weight issue that has plagued me for my adult life.

At the time…I was a size 16. I had been a 16 since I was 19.  A year before I wore a 9 dress and 12 jeans. When my arms started getting extra hairy, my mother took me to a doctor at Ohio State who put me on Prednisone to treat my hormones. I gained 70 pounds in 20 weeks. No one saw the connection. I was on them for two years straight. After several more pounds and countless broken hairbrushes, glasses, sunglasses and anything else that was handy when I went off into a rage…I decided that I’d had enough. I quit taking them. I got nicer….way nicer. I did not get any smaller. Still no one realized what happened.

When I ordered and read this book that I believed would change my life for the better, I had just had a very sick baby. I was tired and scared and weighed about 170 pounds and was sure I was a miserable looking sack of crap. I wasn’t….I have seen the pictures.

I don’t blame anyone really. There is no sense in it. Richard Simmons says that I can only blame myself, I am the one that puts the fork in my mouth. I say, what the hell ever….my weight gain has be a symptom of bigger issues. I danced with Richard to every oldie he had in his glittery pocket. I would lose and gain. It’s been a constant struggle.

I was married to a man back then. A man who was not sexual.( I know, imagine that.)

It would seem to a young girl who was confused about her sexuality that would be the ideal situation, but it wasn’t. My self esteem plummeted over the course of the ten years I spent  with him. I felt undesirable. I felt unlovable. I mean, most of my friends talked about how they had to practically fight their husbands off of them. I could barely get my husband to kiss me. It had to be me, right? I know now that it wasn’t me. I found out after I left him that I was attractive. I was desirable. I know that then and now, I deserve to be loved.

I married at 22. That is far too young for a small town girl without a  good amount of practical experience. My daughter will be 22 in August. I can’t imagine her making such a life altering decision at that young age. I was raising a sick baby and later a handicapped child. My husband was paying the bills, but really didn’t help in any other way. No emotional support, no affection and no acknowledgement. Plenty of passive aggression and name calling…and then in the end some physical abuse. He wasn’t really a bad man, but he was a shitty husband. He was a good father until the last couple days of his life….and then he sucked at that too. I’m still mad at him for his last really big passive aggressive act. I am trying to forgive, I just can’t forget.

I have always been really good at putting up a strong “wall of fabulosity”, so that most people don’t see what goes on, on the inside. Those whom I allow close enough to me will tell you that Suzy can be one surly, prickly girl when the going gets tough….or rather when  I get tough on Suzy. It’s not pretty….and it usually involves a ton of food. Sweet salty soda sweet salty soda……and so on and on until the end.

My life is a lot clearer today than it was back then. I realize that being attractive comes from the way I make myself feel. I realize that love must come from me and not another. I get all that. I am moving forward in tons of happy ways…..and then someone will drop a bomb and all of those past issues come flooding back….and I begin repeating those old self destructive patterns.

As Susan Powder used to say “STOP THE INSANITY!!” ( yeah I remember her too)

So, last week was a very stressful week. I got blindsided by someone that I thought I could trust. We are waiting for the word on a mortgage, I have traveled out of state twice…both for family things. All of that equals STRESS. Big giant stress with a caps and bolded. GAH…..begin spiral downward.

I have wanted to do nothing but eat like the wind. Eat eat eat…no counting points. I have only slightly cared about what went into my mouth.

We didn’t weigh last week because we were in Kentucky. We are supposed to weigh today….I’m not in to it.

Even though I have exercised four times this week…I am not into it.

I can’t seem to get past that 40 pound mark…and I am not going down in any sizes….the thrill is gone. Stress is back and seems to be king. A new pant size might get me going again, but what ever hormone, chemical or whatever is in Stress…man….it makes me dark on the inside.

Traveling is hard on the diet plan. Add stress to it and it is over.

So…the chick was right….

I have to address the stress to be able to stick to the plan for the betterment of Suzy. Good Lord….address the stress just gave me more stress.

While I was walking on the treadmill, I was thinking that my self punishment that I love so much really can be done on that treadmill, just up the speed a little or throw in a hill. Really walking at three miles an hour ( which by the way is what every good dance song beat is) for thirty minutes can kick a fat girls behind. ( I say behind because I read some of my blogs to my mom last week and realized that I cuss WAY too much, so I am on a cuss diet too )

I need a stress guru(especially now that I am not cussing as much) …..I need to find a way to get past that old way of coping and find a new one. It is hard. It hits on a very very old way of doing things.Busting an old paradigm is like busting your butt on a treadmill, I guess. It hurts and it’s stinky but in the end it’s worth the result. I just gotta find a way to do it, I mean it’ easy to take a walk in the sun….but let it rain….no one is walking. That is how dieting and stress is for me.

I’m working on it, love monkeys….I am.

Trying my best to love myself through it.

If you have any good tips for it, I will be grateful. Please know that I just got a manicure so any kind of hitting anything won’t be helpful. I could slap open handed I suppose 🙂


Smooch Out



My Brush with an unlikely Guru

I have a friend.

Well, I have several…so let me start again.

I have this friend.

Ok…that’s not exactly right either.

There is this woman, who I had heard about for a year before I met. She is a friend of Sondra’s. I saw her in pictures all over the world rubbing elbows with the likes of Cee Lo, Ludacris, Jane Fonda and most recently Sir Richard Branson. She’s always in a group of well clad, beautiful people smiling like the Cheshire cat. I always look at Sondra and say…That Sona is just plain LIVIN.

We laugh at her antics and we smile at her pictures and I wonder to myself….how in the hell is she doing all that?

Last week we were looking at a facebook post of hers and I told Sondra….I need to sit with Sona, and get me some of that good stuff. That girl is livin, and I want to do it too!!

It wasn’t three days later that Sona called Sondra to invite us to have  dinner with she and her beautiful partner to discuss some work.

I quietly shouted “hooray”.

I had met and talked with Sona’s partner about a year ago, but never really had talked with Sona. We met at a couple of events and had some fun reparte’ but never really chatted for longer than a couple of minutes.

I was grateful to get the chance to sit with these two fabulous woman who are so dedicated to one another’s success and personal growth.

So, to make a really long story less long….I did finally ask Sona….how she did it. ” How do these fabulous opportunities come to you so easily?” I asked.

I was expecting  a long story of hard work or maybe an ego filled statement of knowing the right people or having the right amount of expendable cash. Instead I got a sincere, simple and honest answer that surprised me and yet made all the sense in the world.

” I never turn down an opportunity. One opportunity always leads to another opportunity. I may never get the chance to do that again, I shouldn’t turn down the chance.”

That simple statement rang a bell akin  to the size of the ones at Notre Dame for me.

How many opportunities have I passed up? Plenty boys and girls….plenty.

If God, the Universe, or what ever you want to call it…gives you an opportunity, it is a gift. That chance wouldn’t be placed in your lap if you didn’t need or deserve it. That opportunity might be an answered prayer, or lead you to an opportunity that leads you to your answered prayer, or hope or wish or intention.

Sona plays by the rules of the Universe …and she gets to go the Grammy’s while she’s doing it.

She doesn’t question if she should. She doesn’t question her worth. She doesn’t question her ability to get it done. She does it because she has been given it to do by someone who knows better than she does. She never questions. She only follows the directions. It’s working out pretty well for her too.

She is doing it. Sona is just livin’

I swear I am going to get a tshirt that says “Livin Like Sona”

You all will know what it means. 🙂

Today I am grateful to  God or the Universe…..God is the Universe to me…anyway

Today I am grateful for the opportunity to talk with Sona and her lovely grounding wire, Debbie.

I lovingly will accept any and all opportunities that I am provided without question…well, except for Dunkin Donuts drive through…..

I am not going to question my worth or my desire or my time schedule. I am not going to turn my back to the plan. I am just going to start doing it according to a plan that is not of my design. I will be grateful for it.

Perhaps someday someone will look at their other half and say….”that Susan Rushing is just livin.”

If I hear about it, I will make that love monkey a t-shirt!

Take it as it comes…good and bad….love yourself through it

and don’t forget to shake your behind.

Smooch Out!